I always look like I have my $%@# together but in reality. My 3 thoughts

I always look like I have my shit together but in reality, I don’t and I’m far from it. I went from that Mom who made Christmas happen no matter how broke we were to a person who now has to fight to want to put up a Christmas tree. I went from that Mom who made sure family was the most important part of any Holiday to a person who just couldn’t attend family functions. I went from that Mom who always made sure bills were paid, our life was together and I just got s%#t done. I made everything look easy no matter what our struggles and became a person who just can’t do any of it anymore.

I know I look like I do it all, I look like I know what I’m doing but the truth is, I don’t. My life, my soul, my heart and my head are all suffering. Not only is it super hard to live without my daughter it is super hard to not be depressed, it’s hard not to be sad, it’s hard not to always cry and it’s just hard to think. If I think about paying bills, working on my business or just anything then the thoughts of my girl not being here creeps in and I just can’t get anything done. I truly try not to think and in doing so has made me forget to do the important things.

2. I am usually a very positive person, I try to look at the positive side of everything, I try to live a positive life, I try to do things that will help me feel better and help others too. The New Year is fast approaching and it not only means a new year it means another year of my girl not being here. It means another year of not seeing her beautiful smile or hearing her laugh or her saying Mom ugh and rolling her eyes. As if that’s not bad enough its another year her son doesn’t have a Mom and so many other things.

3. This year I didn’t even try to fake anything, I bought no presents, I didn’t put up a tree and I sent out no Christmas cards. One of our Grandsons spent a few days with us and the first thing he noticed was no Christmas decorations. That did make me sad and I realized that it’s not just about me. This is my third Christmas without my girl and the first one after her passing I spent it with family like we use to always do. My New Year’s Resolution for the last couple of years has been to be a better me, do things differently and be the best I can be. Well, this year that will only be part of it. I want to be again that Mom, Wife, Grandma, Entrepreneur, and bada%s woman who has always gotten sh%t done! In trying not to think and trying to rebuild my life without my girl I lost sight of who I really am, who I have always been and who I will always be. I thought I had to change because she’s gone but the truth is I am me and she was one of the best parts of me. In trying to change my life. I actually lost a part of myself. Losing a child is hard, it does change everything, it changes your heart, your soul, it changes everything you do. However, it has taken me until right this very moment and writing this to realize I don’t have to lose who I am in the process. My life has changed but My life is also amazing, I have done some amazing things this past year, I have grown a lot and into a person, it took me 45 years to like and love, I have met some amazing people and women that have become friends and I am looking forward to the new adventures and life of 2019.

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